From Survival to Control: Three Turning Points - Part 3

 

The Day Power Became a Choice
I grew up in a violent household. There was not violence every day, but there was more than there should have been. We could count on a family fight about 4-6 times per year. Something that should never be aimed at a child from their parent or parents. But, it was aimed at my siblings and myself. 
There are moments where you realize you’re no longer subject to something.

This was one of those moments.



The Story
I was about 17. In our house, there were days where things escalated. Not constantly — but often enough that we recognized the pattern when it started. Again, 4-6 times per year. This was one of those days.

Something minor set it off. It always did. My mother escalated. She always was the one who did. My father was home, and as had happened before, he joined in. His anger wasn’t really about us — but it still landed on us. He was angry with her, but he took it out on us. He mistakenly believed that if we capitulated just the right way, she would not get angry. 

Here's a hint - it doesn't work that way with diagnosed but unmedicated paranoid schizophrenics.

So the argument escalated. At one point, he struck me.

I took it.
I stood there and told him: “Harder!” (manifesting my inner Rocky 3 moment)

He hit me again.
I took that too. 
In that moment, something became very clear to me: I could take it. 

Whatever fear / reservation / concern had been there before—it was gone.

The situation escalated further. He moved in to control me physically. He grabbed hold of me. 

Context: I had been training karate and jiu-jitsu for years at that point. I was strong, conditioned, skilled. The moment it turned physical beyond that point, I responded. I'd always thought I would use these skills against some mugger in a dark alley. Not the man who took me fishing on the boat in the 1980's. 

I stopped the threat. A properly applied RNC tends to do that efficiently. 
Quickly.
Decisively.

The room changed.
Everything shifted.
The pattern that had existed up until that moment… ended.

My father never again struck any of us. 

He also refused to tie into my mother's emotional control and abuse.   



The Lesson
That was the day I realized: Power is not the same as violence.

Power is:

• the ability to act
• the ability to stop harm
• the ability to end a situation

Violence is:

• uncontrolled
• reactive
• driven by emotion

Those are not the same thing. And more importantly: Power becomes real when you realize you don’t have to use it.



Tie to Today
That moment shaped how I view training at the highest level.
Capability matters.

But capability without control is just another problem.

What I teach is not:

• how to fight
• how to dominate
• or how to prove something

I teach how to have the ability - and the discipline to govern it. MEEKNESS

Because once you know you can:

• defend yourself
• protect others
• and end a threat

Then you no longer need to prove it.