Being Awfully Hard

When I was an early teen, there was an argument at my house about duties. My mom wanted all three of us children to perform more of the housework. At the time, my brother and I performed most of the housework, and she made the very fair request that my sister become more involved. However, my mom was rarely at home to monitor whether the duties would be performed. Also and however, I performed 3/4 of the work already, and yet she was asking for more from me.

I asked her how she planned to monitor when she was never home. Literally - she would be gone for weeks at a time.

My mom became very defensive at this, as one could imagine. After the argument was over, my dad and I were sitting in the room, and he said something to me that I remember to this day: "you are being awfully hard on your mother."

That rang true... but there was something else:
I wasn't being any harder on her than she had been on me.

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Once, when working in a car rental environment, I was getting my rear end chewed out by my manager, John (who is, by the way, one of the best managers I've ever had). John was having a bad day, and I was the subject of his ire that afternoon. He was getting on to me because of my lack of adherence to rental qualification guidelines. Problem was, I was following an example that John himself had set only a couple of weeks prior!

I told him so, and stood my ground.

Some time later that afternoon, Jim (one of the two assistant managers) said: "you're being awfully hard on him... and he is your boss!"

That rang true... but there was something else:
I wasn't being any harder on him than he had been on me.

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You can dish it out, but you can't take it
- old idiom

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I'd heard that idiom all my life. But it was sometime in my early 30's when I realized something...
I always expect of others what they have expected of me. But I am an over-achiever. By nature, I will out-perform others on a given task.

Now, when I have expectations of another person, I do not expect they do any better than average, or any better than their own capabilities. However, when they mention something of me not living up to expectations while performing at far above normal levels, I am quick to fire back and require the same level of performance from that person. In other words, if I'm at 130% of quota, and you criticize me for whatever; I will immediately dish back to you the same level of expectations you just dropped on me. If you are unable or unwilling to comply, I will let you know that your performance is lacking... based on your own set level of expectations.

Most people can't handle that.
They can dish it out, but cannot take it. 

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I have never expected more of another person than I am capable of doing myself. In the past 5-8 years, however, I've also added to that the fact that I will only coach a person to be better, or criticize performance if (and only if) one or more of the following is true:

A) You want me to coach you (ie - one of my martial arts students)
B) My job requires me to coach you.
C) You confront me.

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So, if you feel I am being awfully hard on you, then perhaps you should evaluate: are you being awfully hard on me? I'll only dish back as you have dished out...


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