Wednesday, April 13, 2016

How to Speak in Tongues

As a child, I was forced to attend several (many) pentecostal churches. Now, while there is some really good doctrine to be learned in a church like that, there are also some nuances. I've covered  speaking in tongues before, but then from a primarily analytical point of view.

For the record, these memes describe perfectly my stance on speaking in tongues. It's largely a gift that is no longer needed as there are believers in most every country and most every language.

But what if you find yourself in a pentecostal church by surprise and everyone is speaking in tongues and you don't want to be the odd man out???
(And they will call you out!)

First comes posture. Most regular attendees of the church you were suckered into attending will have a posture much like this picture. They will be shouting, dancing, and generally making a fool of themselves. If you have no shame, then emulate their behaviors, by all means. As the saying goes, "when in Rome..."

But what if you don't want to be a part of the shenanigans? Is there a less attention-grabbing method?
Simply put - yes.

Stand in a posture like this minister. Shake your head side to side like you are saying "no" to a toddler in grand, slow movements. Keep your eyes closed.

As for the words to say?
You need to know at least three phrases.

1. Should have bought a Honda.
Now, run it together: "shouldaboughtahonda."

2. Ode to Zimbabwe.
Sounds like "ohtoozimbabway."

3. OSHA by Shanda.
Sounds like "oooshabashanda."
Note - this was a favorite of TV "evangelist" Benny Hinn for many years.

Indeed, most who "speak in tongues" have just a few nonsensical phrases they repeat. My mom's was "ohkatasanda." With just a moment of practice, you'll have it down. Then you, too, can speak in tongues!

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