Dealing with young people.

I’ve been debating, since I started this blog two years ago, on whether to put down all of my thoughts on parenting and dealing with children. Let me start with facts: for over two decades, I’ve taught martial arts. Since 1995, I have been paid to deal with children whose parents wanted help with their child’s behavior.

Likewise, I have many friends who teach martial arts, and my wife is a certified educator with the state of Tennessee. I do not claim to know everything, but I have a certain skill level in this arena, and furthermore, I have outside resources that few others have. 


That said, I see many children who are being raised in such a stressful way, that they act out frequently. Their parents are often clueless as to why the child acts out. 


Schools don't help. In fact, they often mandate that the "problem child" be "medicated" or face expulsion. Of course, if these teachers knew how to effectively set boundaries and discipline, and if school boards allowed them to, then these problems would never exist.


Earlier, I stated that I see these children being raised in a stressful way. Let me elaborate on that. Children seek boundaries in life. Unlike grown liberals who wish to hide behind what they want to call "shades of grey," children know that there is wrong and right. Good guys and bad guys. Things you should do, and things you shouldn't. 


Boundaries
Children seek these boundaries, because the boundaries give them a set of rules to play and live by. Many young adults join the military for just this reason - as the military is well known for its ability to establish hard and fast boundaries. Without boundaries - physical and mental - the child becomes afraid, worried, and very unsettled. The child will seek to find these boundaries, and it is up to the parent or authority figure to set these boundaries. 


Why
With a set boundary, the child becomes secure in the knowledge of what they can and cannot do. This allows them to explore their world in safety. From time to time they may not recognize the boundary, or they may wish to test the boundary (needing you the adult to re-establish that boundary for their comfort and security), and as such they will act out, or otherwise be in a state of disobedience (outside the boundary). With properly set boundaries, all the parent / authority figure must then do is reaffirm the boundary, with clear expectations for the child as to what will happen if they continue to exist outside the boundary. 


Failure
So many people now completely fail to set the boundary. Often, the adult will give confusing signals for the boundaries, and the child will become even more unsettled. Worse yet, by providing unclear boundaries, the parent actually starts training the child to act out. Repeatedly training the child to act out will cause the child to think he/she must do that to communicate needs and wants to their parent. 


Result
A child who has been trained for years to act out, and knows no other way to communicate, will seem to be "ADD" or "ADHD" because they do not communicate the same way "normal" children do. Fact is, that this discontinuity in their communication skills is not due to some abnormality in the child, nor some "diagnosed" "disease" or "condition" - it is due to poor boundaries set by the parents or people in authority.


Symptoms
How to tell if your child's symptoms are indicative of improper boundaries? Easy. If they are not handicapped by a severe issue (Down's Syndrome, autism, etc.), and they fit the bill for "ADD" or "ADHD" or emotional immaturity (including most types of emotional "retardation" and many types of emotional trauma) or behavioral problems, and the like. 


Fixing it
Fixing it is easy to do. Most people, however will not stick with it. They just don't want to. They find it "easier" to just place blame elsewhere. They find it more convenient to not be a real parent. The way to fix it is to set boundaries, and consistently enforce them. I'll detail this and root causes in further blog posts.