Understanding Motives 1

He calls others cowards, yet the only way he ever faces a person himself is over the internet.
He makes claims of being bullied, yet those around him view him as the bully.
He lays claim to persecution, yet he only ever persecutes others.
He speaks of his knowledge and understanding, yet he just doesn't get it.
He goes on about how others exalt themselves, yet he is always trying to exalt himself.
He says others talk about him behind his back - yet he is the one talking behind their backs.
He accuses others of adultery, yet it is his own mind that is adulterous.
He accuses others of being a teacher's pet, when that is the spot he wants for himself.
He puts down your occupation, because he is so dissatisfied with his own occupation.
He says your words are condescending, and he does so in a condescending way.
He accuses others of being vengeful, but it is he who is vengeful.
He claims you are psychotic, but it is he who is acting psychotic.


In short: whatever he accuses you of, is what he is guilty of himself. 

This, my friends, is psychological projection:
Link to definition.
Link to definition, 2.
Link to definition, 3. 

This is the first part of a multi-part series. I'll talk about some basic concepts in understanding why other people do what they do.

Definition:
Psychologists call it a defense mechanism. However, if you are the person being projected upon, it feels more like offense than defense! But that's how psychological defense mechanisms work - like denial, suppression, or displacement (taking out anger on innocent parties) - by moving the source of the problem elsewhere.

Caveat:
Now before you go off half-cocked about how I am no psychologist: you're right! I'm not a psychologist. However, that doesn't mean I am unable to point out the facts as certified psychologists have detailed! Also, having taught martial arts for years, it has been the dedication of my life to equip others with the tools needed - mentally and physically - to deal with bullies. This is something I've studied intensely of my own accord for in excess of 25 years.


Woah! Woah! Wait a minute!
You were just talking about projection, Usagi, what does a bully have to do with this???

Thanks! I'm glad you asked.
While psychological defense mechanisms are evident in all people, the most common psychological defense mechanism for bullies is projection. In fact, so much so, that when you take a look at the facts, you can observe how predictable these folks are. So let's get the facts:



1. Everybody who projects is not a bully, but every bully projects. 
This is important to understand. If you find someone who is psychologically projecting, be mindful of bully behavior. There is an inverse correlation. Understand this principle. Know it.

2. Bullies most often partake in bullying activities because of mental or personality disorders. 
Paranoid schizophrenics invariably try to bully others. In fact, it is well known that bullies were often bullied themselves, which is why they turn to the negative behavior. There is scientific evidence that bullying can cause mental issues. This holds true with the entire vicious cycle.

However, not all bullies are paranoid schizophrenics. Many of them (perhaps most of them?) have a personality disorder. Most commonly, they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The problem is, most of the symptoms of these personality disorders mimic closely the symptoms of the mental disorders.

3. How to tell the difference in a mental disorder or a personality disorder:
Only a qualified professional has the ability to determine if the underlying problem is a personality disorder, or a mental disorder. However, a possible rule of thumb is this: if the person is a real danger to himself or others, it is likely a mental disorder.

Be mindful: a lack of physical threat does not immediately classify the disorder as a personality disorder. Persons with mental disorders become skilled at hiding the disorder for periods of time. They can become volatile and "erupt" at any moment - and that's when they become a danger to themselves or others.

4. How do I handle it?
First - if the bully is threatening physical violence: escape or defend yourself, according to the situation.
But you are reading a blog, which means it is not likely you are in immediate danger. If there is no physical threat, then things become more gray.
Here's a link with some good verbage. Most of it is geared toward workplace bullies, but there is a lot of carry-over into other life situation.

I prefer the "shock and awe" method. I'll avoid the confrontation as long as reasonably possible without giving an appearance of weakness. However, once they have started a verbal confrontation, IT'S ON! Just like in a physical altercation, the idea is to hit hard, hit often, hit from multiple angles, and do not stop hitting until they quit. Of course, here, I'm speaking of "hitting" in the sense of using words and phrases and certainly not physical violence (unless attacked, of course).



Summary:

What to look for:
- Persistent projection is a red flag.
- Look for bully signs.
- If signs of being a bully are present, act accordingly.
- Use positive psychological defense mechanisms.

Positive Psychological defense mechanisms:
- Humor (may not work with a bully, but will work with non-bully)
- Sublimation (positive outlet for anger)
- Affiliation (seek support of others)
- Altruism (help others - one of my favorites!)
- Compensation (build yourself up in another area)


.