Things I wish I could say to parents of the new kids in martial arts...

I was observing the mother and grandmother of a new boy in my son's Taekwondo class today. I have written down some of the things I wish I could have said to them.

Understand, I have been in the martial arts since 1982. I began assistant-teaching in 1986. I have been the head instructor in some capacity since 1988. I have seen thousands of new people... and parents.

1. Not every kid will like martial arts.
It is true. Listen to your child. In their own way, they will tell you what they like and do not like. Some say they don't like things when they really do. Hey, it's your kid, you should know when they're doing that... I sure do.

2. Not every kid will like every martial art.
There are different kinds of martial arts out there... just like there's different kinds of food. You never know what you'll like until you try it. Remember, every instructor is different, too. I actually picked my son's martial arts school by instructor foremost... at first I did not want to take him to Taekwondo for personal reasons - but that has changed.

3. Sticking with it for a week is not really sticking with it.
If only I had a quarter for every time I saw a parent, who in love for their child was critical of the child and the development the child displayed (or did not display), and wound up pulling the child out of class because they thought there was no improvement. WRONG! The boy I saw today was in his third class ever... and I could see the improvement over the first time I saw him. Granted, it was not a lot, but there was definite improvement. To hear the mom talk to the grandma, you would never know it. I predict this boy will be pulled form class in 6 weeks at the most. This would be sad.

4. If you bring your child for the discipline, expect it!
My son's TKD teacher is really good with the kids. Really good. He gets kids form time to time that have never had any discipline in their lives. Parents often don't know what to make of this. Sometimes, they pull their child out because they are embarrassed with their child's behavior. These are the children that need to stay the most!

5. Believe it or not, the instructor has dealt with a child like yours before.
So many folks believe for some reason or another that their child is unique. This is true. However, there is nothing new under the sun and the same holds ture for personality traits, temperments, and unruly children who need some love and discipline in their lives. I have seen a parent try to "help the instructor deal with their child" all the while completely unaware that I have seen that same instructor deal with 15 children just like him in the past two weeks... many of whom are now high-ranking belts (and whose attitudes are completely different).

6. Belive it or not, the instructor does know best.
I saw a few months ago, the parents of a new boy bring their child on Friday - which my son's TKD teacher advises against, as he reserves Fridays for sparring. New students are not ready to spar. The boy naturally wanted to get in on the action, but the teacher wisely disallowed it, knowing it could be dangerous and possibly demoralizing for the child. The father asked the instructor, and the instructor wisely and seriously stated why he did not allow it. The father allowed his son to pitch a fit and act up the rest of class. For some reason, they never returned. What he didn't know is that the week prior, the same thing had happened and the teacher allowed the child to spar a bit too soon. That chaild got frightened by it as he had never been hit before in his life. That child never returned out of fear (he did not get hurt).

7. If it is your child acting up - it is not because of your child.
Seriously. It is not. You can tell who the parents are that love their children by giving them appropriate boundaries. The children who act up most are the ones whose parents always give in to the whining. The behaviors that are tolerated are the ones the child learns as being expected of them. Any child only does as expected. Be embarrassed if this is your child - but be embarrassed of yourself. Then go and do some parenting. Seriously. And the worst kids are the ones that never see mom and dad because of work, then try to medicate junior because of perceived ADD or some crap like that. Let me tell you, I've seen kids come off of ritalin just because mom or dad took some time out of their busy schedule to spend with the child.

8. Reward behavior you want. Punish behavior you don't want.
It. Is. Just. That. Simple.
Really... it is. Unless you have a child with a serious, life-shortening ailment (like Downs Syndrome, or worse), the child will respond beautifully to limits and boundaries. That's why martial arts work! Martial Arts Instructors set up good boundaries and stick to them. If they didn't, they'd never make black belt.

9. Back up the instructor.
It is not us (parents & instructors) versus them (children). However, if you are bringing your child to a martial arts school to get more discipline, then start with yourself. Allow yourself to understand that maybe you seek discipline for your child because you have not provided them any yet. Start now. Work with the martial arts instructor and your life will be changed and you will be rewarded.

10. Enjoy it.
Your child will be young for a limited time. And that time is flying by. Enjoy the successes. Enjoy the failures. Yes - enjoy the failures. Enjoy it all. Take it in. Later, you will wish you did. And try to talk that mom or dad next to you into staying. You'll be glad you did.